Posts Tagged ‘comedy’

The E.U is a funny thing. I don’t mean that in an “oh isn’t it funny that Romania and Bulgaria still aren’t full members.” I mean that in a “ha ha, that looks like a ….” way.

Norway remain as non-EU members, sitting happily above Sweden and Finland who are full members. Accordingly, it’s not featured on the map of the EU Europe that graces the Euro coins. Not a problem for them, they have their own currency. But for Sweden and Finland, it makes them the butt of a joke. Well, not the butt exactly…

2 euros

As a regular user of the Euros I was surprised I hadn’t noticed this before. I even had to dig one out of my pocket to check but, sure enough. I have to wonder if this is the real reason Norway haven’t become EU members yet, as it means that Sweden looks like a different kind of member…

This was a shocker, but UK tv channel Gold commissioned a survey that today announced that us “cheery, stuff-upper lip” Brits are in fact the angriest nation in Europe. 

The survey found that, on average, we get angry four times a day while those hot-headed Italians only manage 3.5 bouts of anger. How do you manage half a bout of anger? “What??! Are you… oh, no. It’s ok” ?

The biggest causes for our anger have been labelled as queue jumping, rude service, foreign call centres and traffic jams. Seems perfectly reasonable to get hacked off at that. 36% said that racism and bigotry made them made too. 

The survey was commissioned as part of the channel’s celebration of notorious anger junky Basil Fawlty and head of Gold, Paul Moreton said “we can all relate to a Basil Fawlty type character but there’s something quite endearing about Basil. After all, he is quintessentially British!”

Given the time of Fawlty Towers, I’d love to see how Basil reacted to trying to phone his bank, having found his branch closed, and be put through to a foreign call centre where nobody has that good a grasp of English. 

The survey questioned six thousand adults from Britain, Spain,  Italy, Austria, Germany, Greece, Portugal, Sweeden, Norway, Denmark and, of course, the French.

The French admitted to losing their temper three times a day and claim their biggest annoyance being bad food and restaurant service. I spend a lot of time in Paris and I should add the French to what makes this Brit angry, I find it highly hypocritical for them to complain about restaurant service when they fail to give even basic service anywhere else. Would it kill them to acknowledge a customer once in a while? 

I wonder how angry the Americans get, what hacks off an American?

It’s getting nearer and nearer to the big day. There’s less than 9 days of gift buying out there and, if like me, you’ve got a lot left to get, here’s some good ideas for gifts and some outright howlers.

Just for laughs and in keeping with the good idea / bad idea mentality:

Good idea: a subscription to an interest-appropriate magazine. Motoring, music, gaming etc.

Bad idea: a subscription to an interest-appropriate magazine: Pornography, fetishism, plumbing.

Good idea: Jewelery. Tasteful, diamonds, gold silver.

Bad idea: Jewelery. Fake, green mark leaving, scratch – inducing, won-from-a-cracker.

Good idea: Underwear. Tasteful, flattering, silky and sensual.

Bad idea: Underwear. Tasteless, crotcheless, body slimming – ‘I think you’ll never lose weight please try hiding it.’

Good idea: Hair care products. Hair straighteners, dryer, curlers etc.

Bad idea: Hair care products: Just-For-Men, ear and nostril hair trimmer – no matter how novelty this is the message is still “you’re sprouting a forest from your ears.”

Good idea: arranging an animal adoption in someone’s name online.

Bad idea: arranging a mail-order bride online in someone’s name.

Good idea: Memberships, a spa membership – ‘pamper yourself’ type treatments.

Bad idea: Memberships, a gym membership – ‘lose weight and shape up’ treatments.

I’m still a firm believer that the Guinness Book of Records is one of the worst gifts to both give and receive. It’s a real ‘I don’t know you at all / couldn’t be bothered to go further into the shop’ gift.

So what is the worst gift idea? Is it the bunch of socks, the “no-Dad Jumper” or the Chesney Hawkes greatest hits CD? Did you ever get worse?

There’s a book that sits in my toilet, and I’m sure many others, called The Darwin Awards. The Darwin Awards are for those that are deemed to have done evolution a favour by their departure and dedicated to those that have left this mortal coil in the dumbest way.

A startling amount of these award winners involve garden sheds.

For example..

Over in France this February, a 71-year old pensioner decided to illuminate his shed and garden with power siphoned from the National Grid. The Frenchman illegally opened a major power junction box at the front of his maison to hard-wire a cable to his garden shed. While it was raining. He was electrocuted declared dead at the scene.

Another shed victim

Another shed victim

There’s an honorable mention to a man who, in 2002, was hell-bent on defending his shed. To prevent burglars breaking into his shed in Holland, the man built a booby trap, using ropes and a shotgun aimed at the door. Now, anyone who’s ever seen a cartoon knows this is a bad idea.

However, this 66-year-old obviously hadn’t and was so proud of his work he demonstrated his trap to two friends. His well constructed booby trap managed to shoot him in the abdomen and lower arm. The man only gains an honourable mention as an emergency operation saved him.

Makes you wonder what he had in his shed, turned out it was 15 full grown marijuana plants.

At least it wasn’t a grenade…

Back in 2005 a semi-retired Croatian man decided to head to his shed and create a tool for cleaning the chimney. It was too tall a task for ta broom but if he could attach a brush to a chain and weigh it down with something… that might work. But with what? Well why not a grenade? Yep. It’s small, heavy and made of metal so it could be welded to the chain.

Doesn’t matter that it’s full of explosive, right? Again; anyone who’s seen a cartoon… When the welding torch heated the metal of the grenade it exploded, killing the man instantly, destroying the shed and the Mercedes parked outside.

Of course, there’s lessons to learn here. Don’t try messing with the national power grid, especially in the rain. Don’t smoke a lot weed and keep shotguns and don’t take explosives into your garden sheds to heat them up. Or heat them up at all.

Which begs the question: What was this guy thinking?

t640_shed_siding_6

Flammable gas canister, damp environment, shed… better prepare the Darwin Award.

While stumbling around the Internet looking at the news in the automotive world I came across this video.  “Shanghai Lady” as she’s become known returns to her lovely new Chevrolet Captiva to find it’s become the victim of the tow truck.

She deals with it thusly:

Now that’s testament to the power of a new Chevrolet. Chevvy 1 : Shanghai Council 0

Not sure if this was used as an argument for the future of GM during their recent bail-out talks over in the U.S though.